Chapter Six:
Non-Existent Self-Esteem

Built-up trust issues and anxiety from our very existence cannot be separated from being a ‘nobody’. We constantly scrutinize ourselves with questions that tear us down and parts us from reality. We can be proud of our independence from others but are wary of what others may say about our lonesome experience. Our self-esteem is as unstable as our mindset, the scales don’t work for us. Internally we may feel enough, but externally we are not even a portion of the lowest bar of standards they do have.
   

One thing that confuses people about us is that if were nobody then why do we have such expectations? We are never recognized but why are we weary? If we are truly so-called ‘nobody’, why are we self-conscious? Shouldn’t we be free from every aspect of critical judgment?
   

Yes, we as nobody do have nothing to be afraid of but we have nothing to lose also, and that’s what makes us much more cautious of our own actions ‘cause one thing could lead to our demise. For other people, not being recognized for existing is not existing, but having to exist is to be put out into the world full of judgments, and we do exist. The world makes us more self-conscious because we have nothing and others have the things we don’t. We are also recognized, but it is in a way that is comparative to others’ existence, that subsides us and puts us into a position of shamefully existing. 

We are tired of trying to keep up with the bar of expectations that merely existing required people to do. We want life but we are deprived socially. We don’t want the whole world to recognize us, we only wanted to be valued, and I think we all do, but unlike others, we are deeply undervalued because of our ability to get lost in the background.